CH2 Story #1: Saving the Best for Last

Note: Sorry if it's a little choppy, I didn't have time to proof read much. This is a long post...feel free to skip down to the end for quick updates on my life :)

Counting My Blessings:
It wasn’t until recently when I finally realized what a blessed year this has been for me. Through all the ups and downs; the battles and wars I fought; the tears, anger, frustrations; the slim chances of a good time being sprinkled precariously throughout the previous months [and only to have them stepped on making them seem like a figment of my imagination - yea...bitter-sweet memories]…I found the secret to putting life on "hold".

Before Tuesday, there have not been 5 consecutive days where the struggle to find peace and relaxation didn’t exist. Heading towards a downward cycle where negative energy kept eating itself and one bad thing leading to another, it prevented me from focusing on just me and living in a way I could be proud of. It was hard to be grateful for the gift of life, to fully appreciate the small blessings I ran into on the rare occasions, and to allow myself to catch a breath when needed. Sparing you all from the nitty gritty details and all the sad stories of my life [I will continue without them] haha…After spending the past year treading water and trying to keep my head aloft I have experienced 3 days of complete serenity.

Whether if it’s the ice cold winds, the chances of a white Christmas, the holiday cheer or the thought of sharing a little box of happiness with another person, it’s during this time of year where I find time freezes…even when the body is moving and feet still walking, the mind gets a chance to breathe naturally as we once did.

Although short, there has been enough time for me to let go of a lot of past resentment, the whole “why me” factor and to acknowledge and really cherish all the blessings I have encountered throughout 2012. I have been graced with new friends and mentors; I made peace with past friends where the elephant in the room never seemed to go away; through all the trials and difficult times, there has been so much to learn and take away from, and even more to be grateful for. And one of the greatest are my brothers who showed me a side of them that I knew always existed but never to been able see until now - the love and care they have for me and my happiness is something that is so precious, that you can’t even begin to express in words.

Focusing On Me:
As we grasped our first breath of air as a newborn, to others it was a miraculous sight but for us, it was life independent of anyone else streaming through our veins. As I was confronted with new obstacles, it was as if I was living a tale in a Korean Drama. I was so out of sync with my own life that living for myself and aiming my attention on defining who I am in this world was brought to a halt. When I was full of heartache and resentment, I could only see what a waste this year has been...I did not accomplish anything or progress any further in establishing myself in society -- career-wise. During these past three days I began to embrace the idea that although getting a job and figuring out what I want to do in the future, there is more to life than that. Through heartaches, lesons were learned, relationships grew closer and a lot of self-realization went around. Taking this new outlook on 2012, focusing on me has been a much easier task.

Repair:
Although there are times when you feel your mind, heart and physical being are working as three separate departments, they all exist under one head. And when one suffers, it takes a toll on the rest. As the heart sinks, the mind will grow heavy and the body will weaken. Being subdued to that one state for a prolonged amount of time, it’s like being bedridden with no desire to fight any longer. But not to worry, as you lie bedridden, family and friends will come to visit reminding you of the love and happiness that surrounds you and they will be the heart, mind and body for you until you get back on your feet. And for me, the days leading to Christmas day are the days I cherish the most throughout the year because that is when I come to accept this fact the most. And as the cold winds freeze the holiday spirit at it's peak, and with the life outside of the physical world at a stand still…the heart, spirit, soul or whatever you want to call it, gives us a time to recharge.

As this year is nearing its end, God saved the best for last and has shown me once again how I have more than just Him watching me, I have a loving family and the most amazing friends walking beside me through life.

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So, that’s enough serious talk, right? Time for some updates and HOLIDAY CHEER!

I am currently in that place where I’m ready to make a decision between working, volunteering and going to graduate school. Though it’s not set in stone yet, I am leaning towards volunteering at a non-profit while studying for my GRE’s and if all goes well and I can imagine myself as a student again, I will be off to school again. If it’s not a great fit or different door opens itself to me, I will seize the opportunity!

Last month or so I bought myself a few small gifts. Two from Stella & Dot (there was a sale, where the colbalt bracelet was discounted for about 10 or so dollars!) And these two really cool watches. I bought a white watch which will help feed 16 children and a black watch which will aid in giving support to 8 cancer patients! :) Changing the world 1:Face at a time. (The shade of the white watch is best represented in the pictures where I am wearing it)

Happy Holidays and I hope that as 2013 approaches, you will be able to have the chance to find some peace and happiness of your own. J

Mucho <3

Chapter 2: Struggles we share

So the entertainment path of my life has been at a halt for quite some time. For one reason or another, 2012 has been difficult to document career-wise. But I realized that these waves of hard times hitting me left and right keeping me down are part of the journey of When life meets reality... I will try to stay away from making this an emo blog and a venting space and focus more on making this something for everyone to relate to...or at least something for people to enjoy reading? So here it is...(warning: this was a quick splurge of words without much revision. Please excuse the lack of proper English formality and any grammatical errors)

You wouldn't believe the struggles in another person's life, even if they recorded their life and we watched from start to finish, the internal feelings that someone else has is untouchable. I just finished watching Haeundae Lovers...and to see someone with such a big heart deal with people going through such lengths to bring her down, to see her really struggle through these trials and even witnessing her break down...not to say it was good to see someone go through hardships, but it was refreshing to see her story. It was not like other stories where someone meets an obstacle and has to fight through it with full strength and eventually succeeds with no times of wanting to give up...she was human, she fought, she fell, she broke down with little hope left, and found a way to get back up to fight some more. It brings comfort and more clarity to the idea that we all go through times where we think that it could not possibly get any worse than this...where we ache in pain so much that we don't think we can fight our way through it. But it boils down to this...we all struggle, we all fall, and we all go through times where feel like that we are at a dead end and now way out...the key word is "we". No one is doing this alone.

We ask...who will be there at the end of the tunnel waiting? Who will be there to go through all this with me...will there be someone with me at all? When I get to the end, will something happen to make the tunnel collapse? Will I be stronger then...than now? Those questions and more...

All these thoughts, all these struggles, and all these bumps and bruises...they will subside, there will always be new ones, and things will come back around again. Through all this it's important to realize that at the end of the day the person you can count on the most is yourself. Give yourself a break, pat yourself on the back from time to time. Allow yourself to come up for air and breath. Whether if it's with family, your love life, your career or inner turmoil...maybe everything...if take a step back to look at the big picture and search hard enough, you'll find the thing that will help you get through your tough time. You have one life to live, you will always have new monsters to face, new risks to take, and new good memories to make, so you might as well make the most of everything...the good and the bad.

If it's your career, take a look at yourself and ask, is this job it? Can I use this job experience to my advantage and succeed in this line of path or should I jump on the next train and use this experience to help me down another path?

If it's your family, you have friends to love you, hobbies and/or career to distract you and you have your own strength to count on. You have the heart of kindness and forgiveness. You have a bright mind and unconditional love on your side. Even if you can't see it now, somewhere down the road where pride has diminished and pain has subsided, there will always be that love. Especially with family, time is on your side.

If it's your love life, you will always have family and friends to help heal that void in your heart. So, take some time and focus on yourself. Focus on your life. Be selfish and just think about your own happiness.

Control the controllable, amend the amendable...let go of the incomprehensible, have faith in the unpredictable and imagine the unimaginable. Live your life to the fullest and learn to appreciate each experience for all that it offers.

Whatever you go through now will be part of you forever. So deal with it well, do everything in good spirits and a full heart. Use these difficult times to mold yourself into a stronger, wiser and more brilliant person.

Although we still have a month left of 2012, I've never been so excited to see the new year come. To see how things will unfold, how 2012 has shaped me and what new adventures await for me. Until then, I ask myself, is it really as the saying goes - everything will be okay in the end, so if things are not okay now, then you're not at the end yet? If that's the case, I will play the role as the anxious child in the backseat of a car with only one question at heart...Are we there yet?

Each struggle is unique to each individual

Everyone handles their problems differently

And it's okay to lean on others

In the end, everything will be okay :)

Mucho <3

Story #77: New Beginnings

New year • New resolutions • New outlooks • New motivations

I got back Saturday night, had our annual belated family Christmas dinner Sunday and now it's time to get back on track.

As you might have guessed, as stressful as it may have been, I absolutely loved my time in Korea and I am still looking for a reason for me to live there for a few years ;p.

I can't even express how blessed I was on this trip. I did not see a miracle, I did not meet my true love, or catch a break there. But, I was challenged in many different ways. I questioned myself, I sought advice under new rocks and renewed my faith. I believe that everything has a reason and purpose, whether it be good or bad. And despite each experience, there is always an optimistic side where you can look back on the situation and see with 20/20 hindsight. 20/20 hindsight does not just show you the outcome of an event, but it allows you to analyze, wish, think about the what ifs, stir up feelings of joy or guilt and ultimately, it gives you relate-able history to learn from. My past is my present and what I make of it is my future. And I can honestly say my past was enriched with well-rounded experiences, including my recent trip to Korea. Reconnecting with old friends and making new ones with truly inspirational people has lit up an old bulb. This isn't a new finding, it's common sense knowledge that I never truly grasped. I believed it, I said it, I motivated others with it but it wasn't until a few days ago where I really felt it. As I constantly re-analyze my past, I am continually confronted with fears that I understand and acknowledge; but, the problem with that is...I never take the chance to embrace it. Knowing what the outcome is before even taking the first step to reach the finish line never allows a person to experience the process of healing. I may not be able to say I conquered all my fears within the past month I spent in Korea but what I can say is that I left Korea with a courageous outlook on my short term goals and new motivations that will allow me to hold myself more accountable.

With that said, (with perfect timing) I have walked into the new year with new resolutions, new outlooks and new motivations. A little off track, but I was actually questioning myself whether or not it was good to be this transparent with each step of my life, I don't have a definite answer but I guess I'll worry about it when I get there. On that note, I do have new plans. I am looking to live in New York for a month (for now) to take classes in dance, vocal development and acting. Anyone want to help me find a place to live for a month?? :)

I know you are all interested in pictures and details of Korea, so hopefully within the next few posts I'll find a way to transition into them. Meanwhile, stay warm and safe during the winter weather. (I feel like it is finally coming) ☃ ◆ ❄

More updates are sure to come!
Mucho <3

Food for Thought
Less = More